Time to share...

Lewis and I have been going through a pretty difficult journey and we decided it was time to share our struggles with our friends and family. A blog seemed like the quickest way to go about doing that. I know this entry is particularly long but in order to get you up to speed, I didn't want to leave anything out...

We have been trying to have a baby since August of last year and it has been much harder than we anticipated. When we embarked on this journey, we were very excited but we weren't in a huge hurry so we thought we'd just "let it happen". After several months with no luck, we got a little concerned and decided maybe we needed a new approach. I started charting my temps and other fertility signs to pinpoint my ovulation and was relieved to find that it definitely looked like at least that was in working order. We felt certain that armed with this new info, we would get our BFP - big fat positive - pregnancy test in no time. Well, needless to say, that wasn't the case. At that point, we got really worried that something may be wrong. Since Lewis had surgery years ago on one of his testicles, we thought that maybe there was some scarring or something that could be interfering with our efforts. He got an appointment with a new urologist who assured us that wasn't the case - but to ease our minds, he had him go in for some testing. We were both happy to hear that everything was exactly as it should be and all his little swimmers are not just average, but over-achievers. :) This good news came to us at the end of April and was a huge relief. Of course, since we still weren't pregnant, we realized then that we must have needed to focus our efforts on my body.

I wasn't satisfied with my old OB/GYN and really wanted to begin going to a new practice - only I had to wait until July 28th to see the doctor I wanted to see. It seemed like forever away but I went ahead and made the appointment. When I went in on the 28th, she talked to me about our efforts and said she definitely thought it was time for me to have some fertility testing done. She scheduled me to come in for the first round of tests on the 3rd day of my next period and then for more involved tests later that same month of my cycle. It was perfect timing since I was due to start my cycle the very next day.

Well, my period didn't start then - or the next day, or the next... I decided to take a pregnancy test on the morning of the 31st and a very faint second (positive!!) line came up. I didn't trust it so I took another 2 tests the next morning and the line was much darker and Lewis was sure it meant I was pregnant but I still couldn't believe it. I took several more tests over the next few days and all were very dark, very clear positives!! I called my doctor and she assured me that that many tests could not be wrong and that I was definitely pregnant. :) We were beyond excited and even though we tried to be cautious, we immediately started dreaming of our little one-to-be and making plans. We decided we would go ahead and share the news with parents and siblings but wait until we saw the heartbeat to share it with anyone else. Telling my parents and my brother and sister-in-law was one of the most exciting things I've ever done. Lewis's parents were on vacation and we decided to surprise them with the news the night they got back in town. We couldn't wait!

I got to feel pregnant for exactly 7 days before I knew something was wrong. I ended up having a miscarriage in the early morning hours of Saturday, August 8th. I was 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant when it happened. I can't tell you how heartbreaking it is going from that kind of hope and joy to the devastation I felt when I knew I was losing our baby. For those of you who have felt it, I am so, so sorry. I consider myself a pretty empathetic person but I had no idea what that kind of sorrow and pain felt like. Although it was very early and I only knew I was expecting for a week, we have dreamed of having a baby for so long and worked so hard for it that it really felt like we lost a loved one - and we did because we truly did love that little angel already. I prayed so hard every day that God would protect it growing inside me but I know He had his reasons for taking it when he did. And we truly feel blessed that we lost it early because we would have only fallen more and more in love with our baby if we'd had longer to get used to the idea. For that, Lord, we are so grateful.

The first few days coping with our loss were the hardest few days of my life. I felt so empty and so very sad. I was also scared of what the loss would mean for us and our efforts to have a baby. If it took us a year to conceive this first time, what were our chances of it happening again? And if we were blessed enough to conceive again, would this mean that I could miscarry all over again? Could I endure this kind of pain again? Those are questions I'm still struggling with but I have faith that it's going to happen for us and I'm holding on to that the best I can. On top of the sadness and fear, I honestly felt really robbed and pretty angry. At times, I felt that I would have rather not known I was even pregnant if I was only going to have it snatched away from me a week later. Having to call my parents and tell them the sad news was so hard. And of course, instead of greeting Lewis's parents with happy news, they had a much sadder homecoming than they deserved. But the truth is, as hard as all of that was, that week being pregnant was the best week of our lives. We felt like we were in a dream, like we were walking on air. Looking back, I'm so happy we got to feel that. It makes me even more excited for when it happens for us again because now I know just how amazing that feeling is. I can also tell you that what we have experienced only made me fall more deeply in love with my husband. He was so strong during all this and was my absolute rock. As badly as he was hurting, he was everything I needed him to be and more. I have always known that he would be an amazing father but I saw the real depth of his strength as he carried me through this. That strength is what has kept me going through this whole trying to conceive journey. We have experienced month after month of disappointment but he has never once wavered in his faith that we will have a baby of our own someday. Faith like that can't help but rub off on a person and it has definitely rubbed off on me. I thank God every day for giving me such an amazing man to share my life with. I'm more madly in love with him than ever and I can't wait to give him a baby to love!

The really good news that came out of all this is that we now know that I can definitely get pregnant. That's a pretty big deal since we weren't sure that was possible before this. The doctor says that now they can count out many fertility issues they would have been looking at otherwise. The other good news is that since it was so early, we can try again very soon. We're praying that we can conceive again on our own since my body now knows the ropes. My doctor wants to hold off on the fertility tests and she wants us to give it 3 months of trying on our own to see if we can conceive naturally. Then, if it hasn't happened at the end of 3 months, she'll refer us to a fertility specialist. I'm honestly not sure I can wait that long for answers so I may press getting the initial fertility tests out of the way as soon as possible. I will hopefully be able to talk that over with her in the next few days and see what she thinks.

Today, I am completely better physically and I'm almost back to my normal cheerful self. The sadness still hits me from time to time - somewhat unexpectedly because I feel so hopeful now - but I've been told by other's who have been through this that it really does take a while to get past it. I am definitely getting better everyday and I'm ready to start trying again as soon as we can. :)

So there you have it. You know all about this roller coaster ride we've been on. Sorry it has taken us so long but we finally realized how important it is to let our loved ones in on this journey. We know now that we just can't do this on our own. We need you to be part of it because we need your support - and we need your prayers most of all. We are so blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives and we want you to be part of our heartache so that you can share in our joy when we finally bring our baby home. It will all be worth it then!

Please keep us in your prayers as we move forward from here!!! If you want to keep up with our journey, you can become a follower of the blog. I will also send out little notes through email from time to time to let you know when I've posted new info so you can come back and read here. (And I promise that they won't all be this long!!!)